April 1, 2021, New York, NY: The North American Passive House Network (NAPHN) announced today that it is now worth more than Pfizer and Merck – and almost as much as Jay-Z – with the announced infusion of $200B by the US Treasury. While NAPHN is supportive of the pharmaceutical giants’ efforts to vaccinate and protect world health and is a big Jay-Z fan, NAPHN wants to thank the Director of Sustainability at the White House, Shirley Optimized, who is a Certified Passive House Designer (CPHD) and NAPHN member, for figuring out the funding calculation.  

“I passed the CPHD exam last year while waiting for the vaccine roll-out and thinking Jay-Z might be past his prime. After that crazy exam, the budget allocation was a breeze,” said Optimized. Then noting, “If we’re not doing Passive House what the hell are we doing exactly? Weatherization? Give me a break.”

NAPHN now expects to be able to operate for 10,000 years.  “Passive House buildings are built to last,” says NAPHN strategic planner Thelma Bridgton-Freedson. “Humanity may not make it, but we know NAPHN will be around to see those buildings on the other side.  It makes you feel good. Take that Stonehenge!”

When notified that the money would be dispensed in cryptocurrency, director of development, Harry Tightmore asked “Could we just take a check?” 

Given the audacity of the grant, communications director, Prim Easterbrook-Revere was asked if Elon Musk was involved.  The director answered smartly, “No. The building is the battery.”

NAPHN Board Chair, Ernest Demands concluded “Given the extraordinary benefits of Passive House – comfort, occupant health, affordability, resilience and more – NAPHN looks forward to making the benefits of Passive House available to all. $200B feels right. Thank you, Shirley.”


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